I vant to be alone…

…although my life would be a whole heck of a lot easier if I looked like her.

Maybe I should clarify something about the subject line. I don’t really want to be alone. However, I will admit that I am not the easiest person in the world to live with (I hope that my mother is not enjoying a beverage as she reads it, else it will be projecting out her nose momentarily).

Among other reasons, this is because my natural habitat is Slobus tremendosis. You will probably have gathered that I preferred to put up a second post today (Here is the first.). As JJ is not the neatest person in the world either, and is prone to squirreling away piles of paper in particular, this makes for a rather chaotic home environment at times.

In this regard, I’ve recently come across some vintage cookbooks and have had cause to wonder about how I can make some changes. See how happy these women look?


This is an ad from the back of one Presto Cookbook, circa early 1950s. For my part, I have never thought that it was fun to “keep house” in any way, shape or form.

So, I thought I’d start to reform my errant ways by consulting the cookbook and making JJ a nice hearty home-cooked meal for when he returns from work this evening. I don’t mind cooking.

However, sadly, nothing that Presto had to offer quite appealed (you can look forward to the reasons why tomorrow).

So, it seems as though I’ll be stuck with this option instead:

NB: I have gathered that JJ might not be 100% happy with being quoted on line. He has not said so, but keeps looking suspiciously at me when I’m drafting these blog posts and sitting here chortling to myself. So – you’ll have to put up with only my side of the conversation for the time being. His part is represented by ellipses. My apologies as JJ is far more entertaining than I – and has a cuter accent as well.

“Honey, I thought we’d dine al fresco tonight! I know it’s November and all, and it’s only 4 degrees (39F in America!!!), but I thought since the leaves are still on the trees…!”

(Can opener and everything. I’m very impressed with myself. Having said that, things are so much easier for the modern homemaker these days…

Hmm… maybe I could find someone to buy the can opener? It’s Starfrit!!! I should be able to get at least $10…

“Oh… I gave you mini ravioli to take to work for your lunch today already? Hmm. Well, you can just have the beans then…”

“You don’t want beans? What do you mean you don’t want beans… you’re british! You went and paid $3 a tin for Heinz beans in Tomato Sauce from England at that shop in Cobourg last year! Are you telling me you don’t like Canadian beans? What the hell is the matter with you!!”

“Oh sorry, you’re not British, you’re Scottish. I keep forgetting. Anyway, how can they be so different?! They’re beans. They’re even by Heinz’s for godsake. Only the Canadian ones cost 75 cents a can at the No Frills instead of $3 a can, and you don’t have to trot all over Toronto or drive all the way to that overpriced britisher shop in Stratford to get them! Might as well just make that $5 a can, including gas… “

“I know I keep buying feta from Greece when the Canadian stuff is half the price. That’s different.”

“No, I don’t have any proper sausage rolls. I only have those ones from President’s Choice that you refuse to eat because they have chicken in them instead of beef or pork.”

….

“Yes, I know the President’s Choice people are a shower of wankers for making chicken sausage rolls and fooling people into buying them by not putting “chicken” in big print. We’ve had this conversation before. A few times, in fact.”

….

Yes, I can make scotch pies but they’ll take 40 minutes.”

….

“I can’t use the microwave because you broke the plate in it… remember?!? OPA!!!”

….

“Oh, skase [shuddup!] Just get yourself a drink, would you?!?”

“There’s none left? Well, whose fault is that? You know I don’t touch the stuff…! It smells like varnish.”

….

” ‘So says the craftaholic glue sniffer’ “… ha ha, very clever, JJ. Why don’t you just have some of this instead?”


“Yes, yes, I know it’s eyetalian muck and it looks like bile to boot. You’re the one who bought it, not me! There’s nothing else left!”

…?????????

….

“No, there’s no 12 left either… you polished it off the last time you ran out of White and Mackay!”

“I’m not surprised you don’t remember, actually. You had finished off half a 40 of scotch and then you hit the ouzo? Which came all the way from Greece, mind you.”

” ‘Via the Dupont Street LCBO’ “, yes, I’ll concede that. But I had been saving it for a special occasion…
…..

“Not ‘the next time I run out of Keith’s”, no. I never run out of Keith’s. That’s because I know when to go and replenish my stock.”

….

“Why should I have to replenish your stock too? I go to the Beer Store for my stuff. It’s too expensive at the LCBO. Besides, you just passed the LCBO today on your way home from work!”

….

“No, we’re not calling Dial-A-Bottle. Don’t you remember they ripped us off last time and you ended up with a bottle of Bell’s that you don’t even like and that ended up costing $65.00 or something ridiculous like that?!”

….

“Sure I can order liquor ‘on the line’… that’s ‘online’, by the way. But we won’t get it tonight.”

….

“This ‘damned machine of mine’ is quite useful for many other purposes, actually…”

And so forth, and so on. I really don’t know how they did it in the 1950s and kept smiling.
Hmm… maybe I’ve been staring at this item on my work bulletin board too often?

Good news: I just found this, which I had stashed under the sink to use in greek boozy stews…
… because this helpmeet stuff is enough to drive me to…I really don’t know how they did it in the 50s!

On that note, off to clean the Augean stables…er, the bedroom….

At least, my side of the bedroom. JJ can bloody well clean his own.

On second thought, I think I’ll pass on the bedroom and head out to the Store of Liquors – a move more calculated to promote household harmony. And I can stop at the churrasco and pick up a Portuguese chicken for dinner…

Hmm. Maybe I have figured out this happy homemaker bit after all… !

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s