I read some very sad news yesterday in the Toronto Star. Apparently the Queen …
… is in need of some money!
(Kind of ironic given that her picture is on so much of it, no?
But, alas, already I digress. Back to the main rant programme.)
In fact, according to the article, puir wee Lizzie had to dip into her very own bank account to the tune of $11.5 million last year.
The $15 million provided to her and her family by the UK government to pay expenses didn’t quite cut it, apparently.
Now, this begs the question (yea, it begs a LOT of questions for me): where did the £££ in Lizzie’s wee piggy bank come from anyway?
…the Queen took $11.5 million over the past year from her own state-funded reserve account [emphasis added]…
You guessed it – the good old taxpayer (plus probably a few hundred thousand serfs, seven or eight hundred years ago)!
But seriously, I really should show some compassion. I mean, if Lizzie needs to keep hitting the piggy bank at the rate of $11.5 million a year, apparently she will be out of money by 2012! (Never mind that if I were to hit my piggy bank at the same rate, I’d be broke by… um… well, less time than it took me to type this sentence, really.)
Besides, her house…
… or, rather, her houses…
… are falling apart and need millions of dollars in work.
Hey! That gives me an idea! The Queen should phone up Mike Holmes!
I bet, given her dire plight, that he’d do repair work at Buckingham and Windsor Palaces for cost.
Another fundraising idea for the Queen: apparently she spent three quarters of a million dollars this year relaunching her website. It shouldn’t cost all that much more to stick a PayPal button up there and ask for donations! Hell, I’d even shoot her $10 just for the pleasure of sending in that donation receipt to Revenue Canada…
Then again, maybe I wouldn’t. I mean, take a look at some of the ways they’ve been spending their money!
Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall spent £33,400 on a private jet to visit the Bushmills whiskey distillery and other engagements in Northern Ireland; the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh spent £14,515 to travel one way from Euston to Liverpool on the royal train – a journey that costs £74 first class when booked in advance on Virgin Trains; and Prince Andrew spent £55,269 on a one-way flight from London to the Red Sea resort of Sharm el-Sheikh to co-chair the World Economic Forum.
I mean, really. You’d think they could afford a couple or three cars to drive around, no?
Oh – I forgot, they’re broke.
Heartbreaking, isn’t it? The more I think about it, the sadder I get. So, I’ve gone around the office and taken a collection. However, this is all that my hard-hearted colleagues would come up with:
I guess every little bit counts.
JJ, being a proud Jimmy wee guy from Glesga Scot, did not wish to contribute any cash to the Lizzie Fund. This was his reaction when I asked.
Marginally better, mind you, than his reaction to reading the article about Lizzie’s plight in the first place. The only publically printable words I could glean were: cold day, Hell, inbred wankers, and Sassenachs.
When he calmed down, he did, however, have a couple of useful suggestions for Lizzie:
Sell the bloody palace to that al Fayed bloke – him who bought Harrrrrrods. Or tha’ Gates computer guy wanker in America. Ah reckon one a them wuid snap it up in no time. Also, did ye know that if ye catch a sturgeon in the UK the Queen has first dibs on it?? Mebbe she should just start keepin them and set up a stall at the fish market.
(Lest you think the sturgeon crack is a bit out there… (a) it’s true; and (b) we were watching Iron Chef America: Battle Sturgeon at the time.)
Anyway, I’m now off to consult eBay to see if I can pick up any discount tiaras check the Landlord and Tenant Board Dockets to see if Liz Windsor or Philip Mountbatten are scheduled for eviction hearings today do some work.