billions are the new millions

Already irritated beyond belief at the late news by ten minutes past eleven, I started to practice some little meditation techniques that came out in the latest head office Email yesterday (you know, the ones where the bosses pretend to care about you by telling you to manage your stress levels and stay healthy).  To my astonishment, this actually seemed to work. 

That is, until two minutes later when the following statement wafted into my consciousness in the anchorman’s dulcet tones:

Billionaires are the new millionaires. 

Exit large mouthful of Diet Coke through nose.

Man, I haven’t even made my first million yet, and they’ve already upped the bar a thousandfold?!?

Where the hell did this nonsense come from?!?

Humph.  I should have known.  And of course being the idiot that I am, I’d actually bought a copy of this issue yesterday on the way home from work.  (Perhaps if I’d stopped buying this at all when it started to get on my nerves and invested the money instead, I, too, would be a billionaire.  Note to self. 

Well, of course I had to crack it open.  Inside was a list of 19 billionaires who live in Toronto.  Hardly a trend.  But then again, they’re hoarding all the money and keeping it from all those wannabe plain old millionaires, I guess. 

At the top of the list is David Thomson with $19.72 billion.  He controls the flow of media information to the Western world owns Reuters.  Next is Galen Weston Sr. with a paltry $6.33 billion. (I guess it’s true what they say – Loblaws, his food store chain, is hurting these days!)

Now, there’s a big difference between those two figures, no?  (I can’t find my calculator and I don’t have nearly enough fingers and toes to count that high.  Another reason why I’ll never be a billionaire.  By the time I got to the end of the list and the people only had $1 billion each).

I mean, do you ever wonder what these guys discuss at parties (and I say “guys” because there’s only one woman on the list, and she’s only there by virtue of marriage, I think).  

“Yo, Galen!  I’ve got $13 billion more than you do, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!!!”

“YEAH?!?  But did you ever play polo with Prince Charles?? Huh??? Huh?????”

“You wanna take it outside to the $900,000 padded and chandeliered boxing ring which I’ve built in my Forest Hill mansion for such occasions?!?!?”

Nah, on second thought they probably all get along very well.  I imagine that they spend most of their time coming up with secret handshakes and discussing purchases such as these:

A $2,000 speaker system for your $150.00 iPod.  I mean, don’t these guys have enough money to buy a whole stereo?!?

And this:

A $50 clip to put on your dashboard to hold those pesky parking passes.  I don’t know why they don’t just do what I do and toss them all on the floor, actually.  

Hmm.  Actually, I have lots of helpful tips for these guys to help them earn even more money.  Do you think one of these would give me a job? 

Good idea.  Off to meditate now.  If I repeat the word “Money” enough times, maybe some will actually fall into my lap. 


10 thoughts on “billions are the new millions

  1. Amy says:

    I don’t even understand what a billion dollars is. Talk to me in terms of sock yarn, how much fingering weight superwash merino can I get for a billion dollars?

  2. tracyb says:

    I could spend the rich people’s money so much better than they could! The yarn you could buy! The knits you could make and give away to charities! It’s just unfair.

  3. Kristina says:

    Holly: well, if you actually win, you can pretend that you actually bought – oh, let’s say 500 tickets. Feel better?

    Amy: 1 billion dollars = 10,255,170.45 miles of Fleece Artist sea wool for socks. (I wouldn’t necessarily rely on the above calculation though, given my maths skills). Oh, this also assumes that the number billion has nine zeros. I think in the UK it actually has 12 zeros if I’m not mistaken… it’s all so confusing. At any rate, a LOT of sock yarn.

    Tracy: I agree with you 100%. Let’s play Robin Hood!!!

  4. brouhahahaha says:

    Darcy: I haven’t seen the doc. Just googled it (documentary about children born rich, featuring Ivanka Trump?!). Sounds like something that would make my blood boil to the appropriate level. Must check it out! Is it some “poor little rich kid” nonsense?

  5. Amy says:

    Your calculations are close enough for me. I haven’t had enough sleep to do the math, but at approximately 400 yds per pair of socks I would guess that I could make enough socks for the entire state of Rhode Island.

    See, that’s why I don’t even want a billion dollars, I could never knit that many socks. That’s just too much work.

  6. Soo says:

    Billionaire shmillionaire. (I’m really struggling here trying to come up with the downside of being a billionaire.) errrrrr…..nothing. I got nothing.

    Any of those guys single?

  7. clarabelle says:

    Example: The Beatles, spokesmen for a generation (and who must all be, or have been, multi-squillionaires) said at the beginning of their careers:

    The best things in life are free
    But you can keep them for the birds and bees
    Now give me money.

    But then a bit later, they said:

    I don’t care too much for money
    Money can’t buy me love.

    Because after fighting amongst themselves, getting divorces, getting drunk, two of them dying, and one of them marrying Heather Mills, they realised that too much money is messy.

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