For once I have some real news!!!! YAY!!! Yippee!!! Yee-hah!!! I finally got a (non-legal) article published on line!! The mag is a crafting mag called WhipUp.

Here’s my article: Bicraftual Bliss – or, how to make beautiful heirloom art on the cheap in just a few easy steps. I can’t even keep a title short!!! 😉

Back to reality…… now for something completely different (and only tangentially craft-related):

I was very pleasantly surprised when I was in the office kitchen the other day and a co-worker pointed out this artistic tribute to my combined Hallowe’en costumes:

The anonymous artist had even captured what may well be the first recorded image of me wearing my pink cowboy boots!

As you know, I am a true lover of fine art. This image was up since 31 October, however, and I did not notice it until 2 November when it was pointed out to me. Why not?

Because it was on the kitchen bulletin board, which I tend to avoid looking at.

The board is most usually reserved for a use related to our latest kitchen system, to wit: if you want to leave a plate/cup etc. on the counter for more than 10 minutes, you must write this down on the board. If not, something secret yet drastic happens to said plate/cup/etc. (and then to you?!? I’m not sure. I don’t think anyone has offended the Rule as yet).

Actually, whatever happens to you if you offend the 10 minute counter rule is probably no secret, given that we are an office of lawyers and legal adminstrative people and have drawn up a comprehensive compendium of the Kitchen Rules and Regulations:

Kidding. Really. They look like this, actually:

Note that they do go on … and on… to a second page. There have also been very, very many Emails related to recent topics.

If you work in a traditional office environment with shared kitchen (or, for that matter, if you have to share kitchen space with anyone, you are also no doubt familiar with this sort of sign.

I wrote “…or else” at the bottom but that version only lasted a day.

These additions to the kitchen all result from I can only refer to as the Kitchen Wars 2007 – it inflamed while I was on summer vacation, and by the time I returned the kitchen situation had been topic of a staff meeting and the Rules had been introduced.

To top it off, I was asked (as the office Social Convenor) to provide a training for those who had missed the festivities (so that, I gather, they would not be antisocial in their kitchen habits). I demonstrated proper operation of the dishwasher and handed out little sponges. Fun was had by all.

(I must tell you that JJ was actually virtually speechless, perhaps a first, when I shared this news with him. When he stopped laughing, he then looked at me and said, “YOU?!? Teaching people how to keep the kitchen clean?!?” and started laughing again. I chalked it up to the whisky. It certainly couldn’t have been a commentary on my housekeeping habits! SIGH. Well, as I keep telling him, there are two adults in this house. Note that I’m not showing you a photo of the kitchen, which is, I assure you, spotless! Really!)

At any rate, since then, things have been fairly uneventful on the office kitchen front, which is a blessing. I am a veteran of many past Kitchen Wars where things nearly came to bloodshed. The most notable: I was a manager in an office which shared space with another office. I came in on Monday morning to find that my counterpart in the other office had put a huge and very insulting sign over the sink with photos of pigs, expletives, etc. – pointing at a stack of dirty dishes.

I told him that I felt the sign to be over the top and that I did not want the people I worked with to be subjected to it – and took it down. He put another one back up. I took it down… and so forth. By the end of the day I could have clocked him. However, he obviously finally found his medication because the following day everything was forgotten.

I hate to say it, but sometimes things one brings in for oneself go missing in communal kitchen. So, these are the essentials I keep stashed in my office for my personal use:

Breakfast (and lunch, and early dinner) of Champions!

On the craft front, in addition to hacking away on knitting design and the ugly argyle UFO in progress as a blankie, I’m also in the midst of a sewing (ack!) project:

Since I can’t sew and don’t have a machine, this is a very big challenge indeed. Stay tuned…

Oh, and even more excitement today! Not only do I have a copy of the new Food and Drink in my hot little hands – but the new Insider’s Report is out! Respecting the latter, this one’s theme appears to be “Memories of Italia”.

I was, however, disappointed, to find that they didn’t have any Memories of Hallowe’en available yet. Isn’t Hallowe’en a holiday? SIGH.

And, in signing off, I’m very disheartened to report that on this date in 1940, Walt Disney began serving as an informer for the FBI to report on Hollywood “subversives”. SIGH. Perhaps he just needed a good kitchen war to distract him.

I located this on Auntie Curly’s blog (and check out the Twister clock on her wish list!)

I really didn’t need to come across this while procrastinating from (a) housework; and (b) getting back to sewing, which I am so bad at. But anyway… here goes (and even if you’re not planning to do this, do scroll down to #78 and check out my new acquisition!!!):

(warning: if you want to try this, it is quite long. But feel free to lift – do drop me a line if you post it on your own blog!)

0. Your name?
Kristina

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
body

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
I’m too old for hoodies

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yep!

4.Do you plan outfits?
It depends on whether your definition of “planning” means “rifling through the clothes on the bedroom floor five minutes before you have to leave the house for work” or not.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Hyper and in the mood to procrastinaate.

6. What’s the longest you’ve been with someone
4 1/2 years with JJ.

7. Do you say aim or a-i-m?
Is this some kind of trick “are you Murcan or Canajan” question?

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
You don’t really want to know. I had just seen The Last King of Scotland.

9. What are your pets’ names?
I only have plastic pets: Quack, Daisy and Bubbles.

10. What are you craving right now?
a Montreal-style bagel with peanut butter and bacon, but I’m too lazy to get off my butt and make one.

11. Do you floss?
What’s that?

12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
nightmares of coming home at least once a week while a kid at school and smelling maporizo (cabbage and rice) yet again. I do not eat cabbage by choice.

13. Do you go tanning?
No. I heard it’s bad for you. The last time I went to a tanning bed I burned my breasts. I don’t recommend tanning in a sun bed topless, that’s for sure.

14. Who do you talk to most on instant messaging?
Don’t do instant messaging. I’m too luddite for all that.

15. Would you dance to the taco song?
Probably, although I’ve never heard it.

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
I don’t have enough fingers and toes to manage that.

what happened to 17? I skipped it while I was counting to 1000
heh heh heh

18. Where do you want to live?
In a one-level 6,000 sq ft. penthouse condo on the waterfront anywhere. This is why I’m still renting.

19. When did you graduate?
high school 1987 undergrad, 1991, Law school 1998

20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
No. I don’t travel in those circles.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
What’s that?

22. What are you listening to right now?
Edmundo Ros and his Orchestra – VaVaBaBoom.

23. How many countries have you visited?
Six.

24. Are your parents strict?
They tended that way, yes.

25. Would you go sky diving?
Not even if you offered me a one-level 6,000 sq ft. penthouse condo on the waterfront anywhere I wanted.

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?“
See answer to #25, above.

27. Would you throw potatoes at him?
On him, I wouldn’t waste the energy that would take.

28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?
Yes – a stained glass fuschia hanging star.

29. What is your house decorated as?
A cross between Augean stables and colourful wall hangings. Let’s just say Martha had nothing to do with it.

30. Do you rent movies often?
No – watch them on the Movie Network.

31. Who sits in behind you in your math class?
I don’t remember – I usually skipped math class. This is why I can’t count to 1000.

32. What was your first car?
I’ve never had one.

33. What’s your natural hair color?
Dark brown? from what I can recall, anyway.

34. Can you count backwards from 74?
Perhaps – but why would I want to?

35. Who are you going to be with tonight?
JJ

36. Brown or white eggs?
Neither. I hate eggs.

37. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
Australia and New Zealand.

38. Ever been on a train?
Yes.

39. Ever been in love?

I think so ;-).

40. Do you have a cell-phone?
No – lost it six months ago. Not in a rush to replace it.

41. Where do you work?
a legal research office.

42. Do you do your own laundry?
When I’m too lazy to schlep it to the Wash n’ Fold, yes.

43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow?
no idea

44. Who is your idol?
Jenny Dowde and Debbie New

45. Ever have cream puffs?
Love them!

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
no.

47. What was the last question you asked?
What’s in the Loblaws flyer this week, JJ?

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Edmundo Ros and His Orchestra – Mambos and Sambas

49. Boys or Girls?
Neither.

50. What is your bus number for school?

I had to walk to school at least 10 kilometres each way in deep snowdrifts with the wind howling. Oh, I forgot… I don’t have kids!!!

51. Is your hair curly?

grrr – yes.

52. Last time you cried?

Don’t remember. Probably the last time I had my period because someone looked at me the wrong way.

53. Ever walked into a wall?
The question might sooner be “ever NOT walked into a wall”?

54. What do you want to be when you grow up?

An eccentric craft maven with unlimited money. I’ve got the first part down, anyway.

55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun?
No, and it doesn’t sound attractive.

56. What’s your favorite food?

potato chips. Any flavour but ketchup or dill pickle.

57. Favorite time of the year?
Summer.

58. Favorite color?
That’s a hard one. Today… turquoise and lime green.

59. Where is your significant other?
Snoring in bed at 1:30 p.m. Lazy bugger.

60. Do you have any tattoos?
No – I used to have piercings but got rid of them a long time ago.

61. The next person you’ll hold hands with… will it mean anything?

Why would you hold hands with someone if it didn’t? I’m confused.

62. Do you sleep with the TV on?

No. It’s one of my personal rules not to. No TV in the bedroom, ever.

63. Where was your default picture taken at?

My balcony.

64. What’s the last movie you watched?
Something stupid. I don’t remember. It was just last night. I was busy sewing.

65. Do you like your life right now?

pretty much.

66. Who’s your number one fan?

You’d have to ask them!

67. What is your favorite animal?

plastic duckies

68. Do you have good vision?

Terrible. I have to wear glasses to turn off the alarm in the morning.

69. What’s your favorite t.v. show?

Rick Mercer Report, This Hour has 22 Minutes, Law and Order Criminal Intent.

70. Can you hula hoop?

For about 10 seconds or so.

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater?

Only if the cheater were me 😉

72. Do you have a job?
Yep. I have to pay for my craft habits somehow!

73. Do you believe in God?

I’m in the “agnostic… but just in case” school of thought on that topic.

74. What are you wearing?
a Molson Dry T-shirt and shorts.

75. Who’s your best friend?

I don’t really have one. I have several good friends, though.

76. Have you ever crawled through a window?

yes – when I locked myself out of my apartment the day before my Civil Procedure exam that I hadn’t studied for yet.

77. Can you handle the truth?

Oh yeah – my bigger problem is handling good news! I never believe it.

78. What was the most recent thing you bought?
This.

79. How often do you talk on the phone?
Almost never, unless I have to at work.

80. What color is your carpet?

one is burgundy/red and one is multicoloured rust tones and black. Both persian style.

81. Do you hate/dislike more than 3 people?
Dislike more than 3 – yes. Hate – no. Hatred takes up too much energy.

82. Do you like bowling?

Yes, although I haven’t been for a long time.

83. Are you sarcastic?

NOOOOOO…

84. Have you ever slapped someone?

Yes, but not recently.

85. Do looks matter?

It depends on who I’m looking at!

86. Do you use chap stick?
I keep forgetting to.

87. Are you too forgiving?
No. I have a very, very long memory. It’s a greek thing.

88. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
What is that? I guess not.

89. Do you own a gun?

No, and never will I own a gun either. And I don’t think any of my friends do either.

90. Have you made a prank phone call?

Many times. We used to crank call 911 while at the Greek Church hall and ask for “Hooker Heaven” and things like that. Then the priest found out and the payphone mysteriously disappeared a few days later.

91. Have you ever been in a castle?

Not unless you count Boldt Castle in the 1000 Islands. And I don’t.

92. Do you like your hair?

No. I loathe my hair.

93. Do you like yourself?

most of the time.

94. Are you emotional?

Not particularly.

95. Are you sick of doing this survey?

yup!

96. When was the last time you talked on aim?

Oh – so that’s what A-I-M is!!!! never.

97.Did you meet anybody new today?

not yet. Still in the house.

98. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?

new socks from Sears.

I know, I know… three posts in two days?! (see Requiem to a Glue Gun and Homage to Miranda, 8 November) – but I couldn’t resist. I came across the following the other night when hunting for fake pearls in my bedroom drawer. (There is also a graveyard for watches there, by the way. I shall have to make another mosaic).

See this?

Ah, the Parthenon!! Remember this?
There would appear to be a trend going on here. But what a fancy pendant, eh? The coworkers all loved it!

It gets better. Have a look at the other side. Then there is this beauty:

I have no idea what purpose this is meant to have. I suspect it is something that you’re supposed to hang over your doorway. Greeks are big on hanging things over entrances thinking it’s good luck.

(And perhaps it is … until such time as it falls down and breaks – then out comes the dreaded koutala – weapon of choice of Greek mothers everywhere! – for breaking the good luck charm.

Here is a photo of my mother’s original koutala I stole it from her house. The cycle of violence ends HERE.

To be fair, I don’t think she ever used it on me. She probably just waved it around at me a few times when I was four and said “Wait until your father gets home.” However, I had blown the koutala up in my mind until it was roughly the size of a baseball bat. I actually couldn’t believe it when I found this in her kitchen drawer in my early 20s – it looked so small! So harmless!)

So, let’s turn back to deconstructing this miraculous good luck charm:

First, a door knocker.
I don’t get the “good luck” aspect of a doorknocker myself. Perhaps it just meant that the holder was the luckiest and richest person in the village because they actually had a door to hang it on? However, our modern version, the doorbell, certainly lacks aesthetic appeal in comparison.

Maybe it’s meant to symbolise knock knock knockin’ on heaven’s door? Did Eric Clapton have a Greek ancestor? Hmm.

Second and last, there’s the good old time honoured severed hand:

JJ thinks the two pieces were meant to be attached at some point. Maybe so (which begs the question… WHY?!?).

I just wish I still had this good luck doorknocker sent back by relatives from Greece with me some time ago. It weighed about five pounds, and looked like a dead hand holding a big ball. I tried to put it on the door to my first crappy apartment here, and the apartment door practically came off its hinges. It apparently got lost (or stolen?) in one of the 16 or so moves since then. SIGH.

So, on to my next treasure: just what every girl needs – a fancy charm bracelet!!

And not just any old charm bracelet, mind you. It is jam-packed with ancient Greek secret wisdom. Let me share some with you (you knew you weren’t going to get off lightly when you started reading this post, so don’t give me thatlook!!!

(a) The Fish
Um, er… now I can’t remember what this means. It is some sort of Greek Orthodox religious thing. I would probably know, except I was too busy during the liturgy (when still forced to go) pinching my little brother and passing notes with my friends.

Or – maybe it’s just there because it would taste very good battered and deep fried with a rocking side of skordalia. Please note that this is not my own recipe. That remains my (not so) ancient Greek secret. However, I’ll give you one tip – use instant mashed when making it. Really.

(b) The Grecian water jug
Remember this?

I’m beginning to think that the ancient Greeks lacked imagination. Perhaps they were too busy creating democracy and philosophy (not to mention plumbing, which they then lost for a couple of thousand years for some unknown reason? Let’s blame the Turks!)?

(c) The Pompom Shoe

Oh no! Takis lost his shoe!!
Perhaps his legs were too long for him to bend and pick it up? Hmm.

(d) The Unknown
I have no clue what this is meant to be. Also, strangely enough, it resisted all attempts to get a clearer photograph than this:

So, I think it must be either an evil owl (symbol of Greece, wisdom, etc… bla bla bla) or perhaps an ogre?… no, ogres are good. A zombie??!!

NB. After the fact, I consulted JJ on his understanding of this particular charm. I wish I hadn’t. He said “Well, it’s Janus, of courrrse!”. I said, effectively, huh?!? He then turned over the charm to reveal this: Apparently Janus guarded the many treasures of the Greek Gods. I so hate it when I am one-upped on my own heritage!!!

Where was I? Oh yes. Anyway, in case this is an evil charm, it’s a very good thing that I have an image of Holly Ogre, the Zombie Slayer hanging in my apartment:

(Er… actually, I think it’s St George the Dragon Slayer. I really should have paid attention at liturgy! Ah yes – here’s another photo of him hanging around in my apartment for some reason: Notice how his face resists capture – just like the Owl/Ogre. Coincidence? I think not! This image is over the door of the oldest Greek Orthodox church in Toronto, known as St George’s. No imagination, these Greeks, I tell you!)

The Ogre/Dragon slayer is part of a huge good luck charm in my apartment:

Evil eyes, boats – we should always be safe here, touch wood.

And to magnify the good luck aspect, I’ve paired it with a disco queen luck charm to celebrate my two heritages:

Oh – by the way, do you notice where this is hanging? Over an entrance!!!! Ah, tradition!

In signing off, I note that Glasgow, Scotland (JJs hometown) has today been selected as the site for the 2014 Commonwealth Games. JJ intends to participate in the weightlifting competition but only if magnums of whisky are used as the weights.)

Who is this, anyway?

Is it Carmen Miranda, risen miraculously from the dead?

I wish! Sorry to disappoint, but it’s only…

little ol’ me.

I am, however, honoured to be in very good company indeed respecting my tribute to Ms Miranda – including Angie Pontani, who inspired this creation with her article in Craft Mag Vol. 4. I will admit that Angie looks far better in her version than I.

(If you are too young to remember Carmen Miranda (as, technically, am I – but in some respects I am an old fart trapped in a not quite middle aged woman’s body!), you may well recall some other tributes to her: including Bugs Bunny and Chiquita Banana)

But actually I don’t think I look half bad! At any rate, I look happy.

And, speaking of fancy dress – isn’t this a great outfit? The dress is called is the Rhumba. I acquired some years back at Price Roman (which sells absolutely fabulous clothes) to wear to a wedding. I don’t want to admit how much it cost… suffice it to say it was roughly equivalent to 20 Value Village sojourns or 50 dollar store runs.

The headdress, on the other hand, cost only $30… er, $42. $20.00 for this stuff:
… and $10.00 for this:
(Except that, ahem… the glue gun pictured perished last evening at my cruel and impatient hands. And if you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you have probably already surmised that there will be a future post on this topic alone. I’m fairly predictable in my lunacy. A basket also perished but it was ugly anyway so I really don’t care.)

I should note that JJ gave creative input to this project (he is a big fan of Carmen Miranda, having seen this flick when a young lad. And, by the way, it is highly recommended viewing for all ages. I loved it!). Most specifically, he proposed that I weave the orange flowers in with the purple – which worked perfectly.

I made a couple of modifications from what Angie suggested:

• mixed in some vegetables with the fruits and flowers

• added two scarves, one to wrap the basket and one to drape over the spandex tie
• omitted the sparklies and fake pearls, for now, anyway

(I did locate these…
… in the bedroom drawer – together with some other stuff which will be the subject of yet another post, I’m sure you’ll be glad to know. Again I digress… I did try stringing these onto the headpiece but they didn’t quite work. I’m sure they’ll do for something else, though… stay tuned!)

However, I think that mine is taller than hers (hell, it’s taller than I am!). heh heh. I had to duck coming through the doors to make my grand entrance, which kind of detracted from the grand aspect of the entrance. (The headpiece is 30″ long from tip to bottom and about 10″ wide.)

Oh well. The fruit look tasty anyway, don’t they?

I will confess that I was not able to tie it properly to stay on my head unaided (I could have asked JJ to help, but wanted to surprise him). I could walk when holding it and even did a little samba for JJ (for at least 20 seconds!).

If I make another one (and I don’t see why not) for actual wear, I think I’d try to go with some styrofoam fruit.

But, all in all, I’m very happy with this creation and it will make a great table decoration to match the Liquorice Allsorts.
In parting, here is a photo that I think represents the spirit of Carmen.
I do hope that she is resting in peace… either that, or having a ton of fun wherever she is now.

And, for the living, I wish you a happy St. Michael’s Day. If you know any Greeks called Michael, try to crash the party. It will be a good one.

I can’t believe I’m responding to a meme without having been tagged! However, I saw this on Hobbygasa’s blog and really liked it. If interested, drop me a comment with your alter ego’s names
***************************************************
YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) = Budgie Malibu

YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fav. ice cream flavor, favorite cookie) = Vanilla Kourambiede

YOUR “FLY GIRL” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of last name) = kbrou

YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) = Blue Kitty

YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) = Maria Kingston

YOUR STAR WASH NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first) = Brokr

SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink, put “The” first) = The Purple G&T

STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne, favorite candy) = Vanilla Smarties

WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names) = Maria B. or Maria V. (note: people born in Greece tend not to have middle names – their “middle name” is the first initial of their father’s name. My father’s father’s first initial could be either B or V in English. End of boring cross-cultural information session.)

And, let me add a popular one that I have come across:

PORN STAR NAME (name of first pet and name of first street you lived on): Budgie Toronto

Neither the rock star or porn star names really work for me. SIGH.

Well, I didn’t get to do any real work on my Carmen Miranda headdress tonight because:

(a) the hardware store sold me the wrong inserts for my new glue gun! grr… (everyone should know by now that I don’t read packaging!); and

(b) I broke the basket by trying to use the power drill on it.

Sob. I was devastated.

So, I had to make this instead:
I’m quite excited by the latest finished object (which I started and finished last night) although it is rather goofy, really.

So why do I like it? It seems like my first real attempt at blending knitting, crochet and mosaic – and it’s 3-D! (without glasses), at least when you look at it from the bottom up (which I realise would be awkward for what is intended to be a wall hanging… unless you’re as short as me, that is).

Cool, eh? Sea glass, a sari silk sea bed – and silk flowers!

I don’t know that the photos capture that this piece is actually done in two layers. Here’s how:

I took an old glass frame with two panes of glass in it, spraypainted the back one blue, and put these two swatches (both Super10 except for the orange which was Super3) on it:

After that, I inserted the top piece of glass and shoved in some unretrievably fankled (JJs word) sari silk:
I then grabbed a bunch of freeform crochet shapes which I had done on the TTC some time back and which have been patiently awaiting a home since (This freeform was accomplished with more than a little help from Freeform Knitting and Crochet by Jenny Dowde. We type A monsters love books that tell us how to be spontaneous!!)

The flowers in the front are made from two types of sari silk and Handmaiden Silk Spun. The spirals are made from Mission Falls Cotton (teal) and Fleece Artist of unknown name that I scored at a yarn swap recently. Let’s not forget the vintage buttons which I acquired at the St Lawrence flea market some time back and which are now front and centre in the flowers!

The “sun” is Belle Print silk.

I glued these all on using contact cement. I then added sea glass, tiles, glass beads and stained glass in no particular order and with no real rhyme nor reason.

And – voila!

Why is it called “Eastern Promise”? I don’t really know. The colours remind me of Greece and what I imagine Turkey to be like; it has sari silk, Fleece Artist and Super 10 all from east of here; it has mysterious spirals… take your pick! The theme is not so consistent… originally it was just supposed to be flowers on a sea bed and a sun but things kind of went haywire.
Anyway, it was a lot of fun and didn’t take very long. I am thinking of gifting it to a friend/coworker but frankly I don’t know that anyone but me will like it… I’ll take it to work today and see what happens.

Warmest regards to Rudolph Valentino on this fine November day – The Sheik opened on 6 November 1921, making him famous! (Eastern Promise… Sheiks… hmmm).

Back while I was still articling, ten or so years ago, I went through a little phase where I fancied myself quite the Eurosnob artiste.

Or is that “arriviste”?

(“When the hell is she going to run out of those old pictures and stop boring us with them?”, you ask. However, if you are asking in the first place, I suspect you’d find the true answer to be rather depressing.)

Anyway, you might be wondering why such a cool artistic type would display a photo of her father’s village backed with cardboard from a moving box:

Never mind the fact that apparently this “artiste” had never heard of a straightedge or was otherwise incapable of cutting a straight line (the Okanagan Cider habit may have had something to do with this, mind).

Nor could she manage to nail this up an inch to the left in order to cover up the big hole in the wall.

Indeed, the only “artistic thing” about this photo appears to be the clean lines of the apartment standard parquet flooring, uncharacteristically free from litter, beer empties, etc. I have no explanation for this odd phenomenon other than to hazard a guess that it was summertime and the empties had gone to the “cottage” (i.e. the balcony).

Oh – but I missed a piece of garbage when shoving all of the other junk out of the camera view:

The Art by IKEA and dorky halogen lamp might be viewed as another clue toward the finding that I was just a big ol’ poseur.

Or is that “hoser”?

Just call me Doug, eh?

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. There is a good chance by now that you are shaking your head and thinking, “What on earth…??”. If so, you clearly don’t understand the concept of artistic irony. It’s so difficult being brilliant! Sometimes I feel so very lonely!

Plus – I had the smoking bit down perfectly (and so should I have, having had 12 years of practice at that point!). Smoking is so glamourous!!!

But I digress. During this time period, I gave up knitting as being completely recherche and tacky. In exchange, I took up photography. In black and white, of course.

Here is only one of the approximately 500 pictures I took from my apartment in an attempt to capture the gritty nature of big city living.

I picked this one because it is the only one which is not blurry.

In cold hindight, I think I failed in my goal. Might have helped had I not chosen to photograph a parking alley.

And this was another stab at a clever art photograph:

Don’t ask. I don’t know the answer. I shouldn’t admit this, but I do remember moving that sheet music back and forth for about an hour before taking this photo to get the “correct” angle.

The parquet looks good though, no?

All in all, the little “artiste” phase was rather shortlived. Mercifully so, as the photos demonstrate. It was very closely followed (as in real life, oftentimes, or so I’m told) by the “rehab” phase.

And really, all I ever wanted to do was achieve deadpan ironic art like this piece:

(I know, I know. It’s only 2 November and Armistice Day hasn’t even passed. I’ve been programmed by the Christmas displays in some of the shops which seems to start right after Labour Day. And, this was a good place to show this photo).

This was created by my brother while he was in kindergarten, I believe. It still has pride of place at my mother’s house every Christmas. I won’t share the inside family joke about the piece (particularly the deadpan aspect) – but I think this is pretty cool (although I didn’t for a very, very long time).

So, I guess some people just have the irony thing going from the cradle, and us other unfortunates just get to pretend our whole lives.

Enjoy your Saturday! Today, I’m off to my favourite dollar store, Bargain Home!!! And, of course, the LCBO…

Well, I’m done now. So take off, eh?

Well, it’s that time again… the day after Hallowe’en. I think I’ve come down from my high by this point (at least, until I hit the leftover mini Wunderbars). So, here is my story of yesterday – a complete blast from start…

…to finish.

This was the original fancy dress I came up with first thing in the morning. Nothing to write home about, eh? However, I had some fun with it. It was inspired by the acquisition of this t-shirt the day before yesterday at the dollar store:

I loved it immediately. The coworkers were also all favourably impressed.

So, about 10 a.m. I hit the workplace candy stash:

…not to mention my own secret stash:

By 10:30, between that and the 4 extra large black coffees, I had caught a good buzz. So, I decided it would be a very good idea to have a wand:

Good thing I have yarn sitting around the office all the time. I had spotted the broken antenna on the floor in the upstairs lunchroom the other day and given it to my former boss. So, yesterday, I decided to ask him for it back. He looked at my rather suspiciously and asked me what I wanted it for (doesn’t he know I only use my powers for good, not evil?! sheesh) but did eventually give it to me.

I then of course had to prance around my workplace floor and then the old workplace floor showing off my wand. The old boss said, “What’s that, a sceptre?” so of course then I had to run around knighting everyone (he really should know better).

Oh, by the way, don’t ask me what I was dressed as – haven’t figured it out yet myself. The original thought was a cowboy junkie:

because of the boots. Most of the coworkers thought I looked like a fairy godmother (but in reality this is probably only because I brought in all the candy!

Oh, I just realised that not one of the 98 photos I found this morning on my camera actually features a shot containing the infamous fuschia cowboy boots. This despite the fact that I told the 20 or so people who were snapping photos, “Please get the boots in.” I guess it’s true if you want something done right you have to do it yourself. So, these are the boots in question:

But I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah… anyway, so based on the co-worker feedback, I was dressed as a cowboy junkie stompin’ boygirl beknighting fairy godmother. Hmm.

By the time I finished parading around the two floors showing off, I was completely wired. So, I decided to go to my favourite local hardware store, Rotblatt’s. This is one of the junkiest shops I’ve ever been it – it sells hardware store stuff, beat up used office furniture and an assortment of other junk usually found only at ye olde dollar store.

This is, in part, what I scored there yesterday:

Have you ever been to a hardware store that sells spray-on hair colour? I love that place!!!

A little aside about my workplace – it’s so cutting-edge law wise that people come from all over to consult with us:

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Actually, that was the coolest acquisition from Rotblatt’s yesterday – a $1.00 space suit!

So now it’s a reality – I am, indeed, a space cadet. Brouhaha – a Space Odyssean.

This meant, of course, that I had to do another two floor tour making beeping noises. By the time that was done, I had to hit the road to get to Parkdale for some serious Hallowe’en fun.

I was greeted there by my friends B and K, and JJ, of course:

Clearly he’d already had a couple (I wandered off course en route into the Dollarama, which is usually good for half an hour at least. However, the specific objects of my desire, plastic fruit, were nowhere to be seen. SOB). So, immediately I started on the catch-up mission.

Not for long, though, because soon it was time for a little stroll down…

…to check out the spooky sites with S, a little person staying with B and K.

Just a couple of the delightful displays I saw:

My very favourite Hallowe’en display ever… an altar!!!

A fabulous pumpkin…

And a monument straight from the Wishful Thinking in the 21st Century school:

(for anyone reading this outside of Ontario, this is who is not so fondly thought of by some of us, despite the recent majority election win.)

The spacesuit was also a big hit with B, K, JJ, S et al:

Oh – and I almost forgot – check out the fan I found in the garbage down the street from my apartment building on the way to work yesterday!

The mood got more and more festive as post-handing-out-candy grumpiness changed to frivolity:

Although I must say, having not been around children for some time, I found the behaviour of most of the trick or treaters disheartening. No “trick or treat”, no “thank you”… just “gimme”. Where has the Spirit of Hallowe’en gone?
There wasn’t even any candy left!

And, by the way, when did babes in arms start qualifying for Hallowe’en candy? I tell you, I’m way out of the loop because I don’t have kids, that’s for sure. I thought it was a cardinal rule of Hallowe’en: “If you can’t walk yet, you don’t get candy.” Apparently, I was wrong.

I did recognise at least a couple of these childbearers as operators of nearby neighbourhood smoke shops. If I still lived in the ‘hood, I have no doubt I would have located some of the Maynards Wine Gums we were dishing out (all that was left at the Guardian drugstore when I had to run out to restock the dwindling candy supply!) in a matchbox next to the till priced at 40 cents each when I stopped in for my daily Dunhills. SIGH.

So, once we had all bitched and whined about the ignorance of people today and had the requisite daily Liberal-bashing singsong (this one inspired by Dalton’s tombstone, with the inevitable refrain of “Alas, alack, whither the NDP?”), I cheered myself up by trying on some more costume stuff:

Then the tunes got cranked and the dancing started! Hurray for Linda Ronstadt!!!

Me doing the headless chicken…

And… this photo, aptly enough, was photo number #666 taken on my camera:

Then many, many hours later, it was finally time to go home.

Today has been the inevitable crash after the high. On top of it is, it is that most dreaded day of the month in the Brouhaha Calendar of Unfortunate Events – RENT DAY – in which I get to write a four-figure cheque and ruminate on how much loot at Rotblott’s or the LYS my share of the rent would get me.

To top it off, when I staggered into the subway station with $100.00 clutched in my hot little hands to buy my monthly Metropass, the attendant looked at me sympathetically and said “I have some bad news for you, dear.” I had forgotten that the Metropass cost was going up… to $109.00!! Sigh. I had no other money on me and had to buy tokens instead. Grrr.

I should sign off so that I can start planning next year’s costume. Yeah, right.

Today, in celebration of one of my favourite holidays – yet more scanned photos from 2001 (and 1998, and 2002) showing my complete lack of imagination in Hallowe’en costumes. They may, however, reflect two of my past (and unsuccessful) career aspirations: drag king and drag queen. Apparently, I wasn’t butch enough for the former nor femme enough for the latter. Oh well.

1. Hallowe’en 2001

a. Prince

As an October Fools’ Joke on the only male co-worker in the office I was then working in (hereinafter “The Guy From Ottawa”), my four female workers and I conspired to dress and act like him all day. We were all present and ready when he arrived – the above photo shows me greeting him as he came in for the day. The pink thing in my right hand was the closest thing he had to a bible… a very fascinating pamphlet on the topic of above-guideline rent increases.

The co-workers would not consent to a group shot at the time. Such wimps. My nickname at that particular workplace was Exalted Ruler* and accordingly I believed I could bully everyone into this… but NO.

However, fun was had by all for the rest of the morning and well into the afternoon as we all took turns pretending to be The Guy From Ottawa:

Viz. me aping The Guy From Ottawa’s typical pose of gazing out the window when he should have been working, dammit!

(b) Princess

But the fun did not stop there! We women had brainstormed and come up with a nefarious plan – that I would don my evening Hallowe’en costume and then come back in pretending to be an aggrieved costumer that The Guy From Ottawa had met with earlier in the week.

We managed to fool him!! (and, man, is it ever funny to see how people react when you pretend that they know you and they don’t but are trying to be polite…you know what I mean, don’t you?). Anyway, I managed to keep up the charade for a couple of minutes but then blew it by starting to laugh.

By this point, I sensed that The Guy From Ottawa was probably ready to kill me, so I hightailed it right down to the Harvey’s for a double burger and fries. I even brought him back a Diet Coke!

And here is the costume in more or less its full glory (sans blue fun-fur jacket):

2. The Royal High Empress Kristina of Sparkleville

I do love my floor length dresses. So much so that I wore this one (acquired at Thrift Villa in Parkdale for $20 – a mere bagatelle!) two years running for Hallowe’en. How lame is that? Having said that, I did make significant modifications to the costume as a whole – I’m sure you’ll notice the difference right away.

(a) 2002 – Drag Queen

In which Kristina almost cuts it as a true drag queen. If only she would wear makeup!!!!

And – note the fuschia cowboy boots with the dress. Tres chic.

(b) Glenda

The costume design modification is rather obvious here, I think. Can’t remember what the button said. Probably “Je suis locataire et je vote” (“I’m a tenant and I vote” in French – I had dozens from a past workplace at one point). It is a very little known fact that landlords are everywhere – even in Oz.

So – two completely different costumes, right?

3. Hallowe’en in June

This is a shot of me heading to some “Hallowe’en in the Summer” party during Pride Week 2001:

This was actually meant to be a costume. I don’t remember what, though. Probably “sunburned freak with shades she thinks are cool who blew it again when trying to cut her own hair”.

The next photo, on the other hand, does not really represent a costume, unless you count me trying to look like a cool European goddess a “costume”, which may well be the case:

It is a little known fact that all of the Toronto (nay, the Canadian) glitterati pose for secret photos in the basement of the 519 Community Centre next to the diaper changing table in the ladies’. Don’t tell anyone, or I might have to kill you.

And now for a short break to keep our sponsors happy (note: this may not make sense to my American or overseas friends. If not, feel free to E-mail me and I’ll explain it for you, if you really want to know, that is):

Are you a grocery store junkie living in eastern Canada? Do you prefer to shop at Bloglaws?

If so, we’re sure that you’re well familiar with “the Prime Minister” and that you, like every other red-and-white-blooded Canadian, has relied on his help in catering your fancy dos and your intimate dinners for one through three.

The Prime Minister travels the world hunting for special exotica to bottle and serve to us flavour and spice-starved Canadians. You must have sampled some of our ethnic wares by now:

– Memories of Oaxatlan Taco Kit
– Memories of Dallas Grits
– Memories of Cornpone BBQ Sauce

And now the Prime Minister even has his own clothing label, JoBlo:…

But a new exciting addition to the Prime Minister’s Choice product line comes right from our own backyard:

Memories of Hallowe’en!!!

Gaze upon the jewel-like orange and yellow nubs of candy corn!Enjoy it, for the first time ever in the whole wide world, mixed in with that orange and black-wrapped molasses Hallowe’en kiss taffy.

Kerr’s Halloween Candy
Originally uploaded by mezzoblue

(You know, the stuff that everyone saves until last from the Hallowe’en loot bag if they haven’t already forced it on their little brother.)

Taste that stale sugar. Feel the molasses taffy rip out whatever teeth you have left in your head. Ah, those Hallowe’en memories.

Now available in:

200 g packages – $3.99 (or $7.99 USD, since our dollar is worth more than theirs. Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.)

– the limited edition Hallowe’en tin with real toilet paper and shaving cream decoration – 454 g for $10.99 (USD $25.00). Each package is lovingly decorated by The Prime Minister and Jimbo Flirty. According to Jimbo, our man in the field, this is a must-buy, so don’t hold off until 2008 just to save 1% on taxes. A true collectible!!! Save your receipts in case a tax rebate is promised next year.

Prime Minister’s Choice… always the right choice!

Right on.

This message was brought to you by the Conservative Party of Canada. We don’t even bother to call ourselves “Progressive” anymore. What’s the point?

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programme.

4. THIS IS NOT A COSTUME

I repeat… this is not a costume.

What is it then, you ask? It is a very, very rare sighting of me in robes – approximately 3 minutes after I became a full-fledged lawyer – 11:00 a.m. or so. The fact that I look like the world’s happiest penguin is probably related to the fact that I was heading to the nearest pub by 11:05 a.m (minus the robes, of course).

In the five years following, I have never since had to don robes. My gigs do not require that I attend at “big court” as some of us lawyers who only really deal with administrative tribunals lovingly refer to it, so I am actually not allowed to wear robes in any current work capacity. You cannot imagine how devastating I find this. Really.

5. This isn’t a costume either

Just to complete the perspective, here is my fabulous law school graduation outfit from 1998, including furry collar thingy (anyone know the rationale for that?!). Note that when you shell out $30K plus to go to school (and please don’t ask what I did to afford that kind of coin unless you have at least two hours to spare…), they give you a little loot bag at the end of it. Can’t recall the contents though – probably a tie clip, a flyer saying “let us frame your degree for you for only $50.00” and an alumni donation registration form.

Whatever happened to the days where they actually gave you GRANTS to go to university, anyway?

Sorry – no photos of me in undergraduate drag. That’s because I blew it off. My parents were furious when they figured this out some two months later. At least one of them got over it, though. 😉

On that happy note, I remain,

your faithful and obedient servant,

Kristina

A PS AND A WARNING: the following is only very tangentially related to Hallowe’en (as JJ would say, “nothing changes”, eh?). However, it is related to secret handshakes and probably the odd costume or three, sort of.

And now for the footnote:
* in case you bothered to click the “Exalted Ruler” link above and wondered why you were referred to a page discussing the history of the Benevolent and Protective Order of the Elks (hereinafter BPOE or Elks) – obviously you didn’t read that page too carefully. Specifically, under the heading “Fraternal Traditions of the BPOE” lies the following explanation:

The BPOE adopted several fraternal traditions similar to the Masonic Fraternity. An altar, decorated with the Holy Bible, is found in the center of every Lodge throughout Elkdom. Old Glory served as the altar’s drapery until 1956, when it was given its own distinct place of honor to the right of the altar. An “Exalted Ruler” governs each Elks Lodge as the “Worshipful Master” does in a Masonic Lodge[emphasis added].

Pardon? “What exactly does that explain?”, you ask.

Is it because I admire the symbolism involved?

A most fitting representation, the stately elk is, for a distinctively American, intensely patriotic, family oriented organization subscribing to the cardinal principles of Elkdom, “Charity, Justice, Brotherly Love and Fidelity.”

Er, no.

Is it because I would love to belong to a group which started off as the “Jolly Corks”, a name borrowed from a bar trick?

Well, that’s more like it – but nope.

The explanation is, in fact, far more boring than that, as you may have gathered. I had occasion many years back to work at The Arthritis Society (as part of a “workfare” deal which had just been introduced to the province. Thanks, Mike Harris. Having said that, to be fair, The Arthritis Society was a great place to work). That job primarily involved hitting up corporations to hold Casual Fridays and… writing to service organizations.

As regards the latter duty, I was fascinated to learn that when hitting these orgs up for money, you will not get anywhere unless you address the leader in the appropriate fashion. Hence, I made (somewhat of) a living writing reams of letters which began “Dear Exalted Ruler”, “Dear Worthy Grand Knight”, “Dear Worshipful Master”, etc. Everything, in other words, other than Dear Tremendous Fearsome Water Buffalo” and “Dear High Faluting T. Rex”

And so, six years or so later, I insisted on my favourite as a work nickname.

And – if you want a slight chuckle, check out these Elk history and humour tidbits.

Amazing what one can find on the internet. Frankly, I can’t say I’m too upset that they don’t let women into these groups.

Wishing you a wonderful Hallowe’en, and don’t eat too much of that molasses taffy or your teeth might fall out! (Thanks, Mezzoblue, by the way, for the flickr photo of the Kerr’s candy. I’m the only other Canadian who actually likes the stuff, apparently. You are not alone.)

I came across these old photos this morning – so excited! Instead of going to work on time I immediately had them scanned at Grand & Toy (I am so technolame as not to have bothered to buy a scanner for home. In my world view, four or five skeins of a Handmaiden product is far more useful.).

These were all made in late 2000/early 2001 or thereabouts.

1. Cute Flower Wall Hanging

This was made for a very close friend and was photographed by him on his wall in this photo. It is approx. 12-13″ diametre and the backing was made from the top of a lazy susan found in his building’s laundry room.

Patterns used were adapted from The Mosaic Idea Book by Rosalind Wates.

2. “I have seen the light”

The same friend (a treasure from trash hunter extraordinaire…) gifted me a very ugly but functional lamp (sans shade) that he had found outside his building after someone moved. I decorated it with beads and stained glass, grouted it with silver grout and found a cheapo shade at Zellers.

In this photograph, the Orthodox icon lends a nice irony, I think. I should note I am not religious, but very superstitious. In this regard, I have had icons on the east wall of pretty much every room in every apartment I’ve lived in, just in case. I have moved 15 or 16 times since coming to Toronto and the icons have always been the first things to go up, even before the phone (and later, the computer) was plugged in.

3. Sunflower Table

Although I’ve posted this before, this is the best picture I have of it. And I still love it.

4. “I’ve really, really seen the light!!”

(or, by the look of it, the inside of a pub or three. I think I had friends over that night and was bragging about the lamp).

Given the level of sunburn on the face, this photo was likely taken in the summer of ’01. I base this assumption also on the 2001 calendar shown in the photo and the layout of the apartment. Having said that, it could well have been taken a year later than that – it would certainly not be the first time that I have forgotten to change the calendar from year to year.

5. Film Noir

This photo is a fragment of one photo of several I took when, apparently not realising that I did not know how to use a camera, I went through a very pretentious “arty black and white” phase. The rest of the photo contains my mother, who was visiting… and it is actually quite a nice picture of her.

I attach this fragment for three reasons:

(a) top corner: if you look very hard, you will see two shadowy figurines. They are those creepy little artist model dolls that IKEA had all over the shop at one time. I had stained them mahogany and then outfitted them in little butch and femme outfits. For some reason, they then started to creep me out so I gave them away in the next move.

See what I mean? Creepy. UGH.

(b) middle: another mosaic piece, my Bird of Paradise chair. Here it is, photographed tonight in full vibrant Technicolor:

Of course, she looks far better when covered by dirty sheets and other laundry as it usually is. I had to leave the bag on the seat lest she feel naked – she is very sensitive and prone to catching cold in the harsh Canadian winters.

Some detail pics:

I don’t recall what the significance of the blue strings attaching the bird to the tree are. I’m sure it was all very deep at the time, though.

A tree trunk and a flower. Cool, eh? And… easy!

Now, back to our regularly scheduled (if rather blah) programme.

(c) bottom corner: do you see two funky patterned taper candles which are bent and twisted? This photo was taken during August 2001. At the time I lived in a 1920s walkup on the top floor in a corner unit with a tar roof and no AC. The week the photo was taken, temperatures reached over 35 degrees Celsius outside and well over 40 in my unit. I came home from work one day and the originally straight candles had morphed into what you see here.

So, a little bit of nostalgia from the Millenial Annals of Brouhaha!